I have been keeping a secret since the day after Thanksgiving.
You see, I took a pregnancy test on that day…and it was positive. I didn’t even tell Paul until the next day. He gave me a big hug. We were both really happy.
I scheduled a couple of Dr.’s appointments. One was on Tuesday of this week. The 20th. It was the blood drawing and getting information appointment. I had also scheduled a sonogram for Thursday, the 22nd. Just to check how many darlings were there going to be. Paul was at work. I had Maddie, Lexi’s big sister, come over and babysit.
I got to my appointment exactly on time. I waited a few minutes and then the sonographer came and got me. We headed back and got started. I saw on the screen, the arm buds, the leg buds and the head. She was quiet and looking. No heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing a few days earlier. I started crying. She gave me a couple of minutes to get dressed and I called Paul. Yes. I was alone. It was horrible. He didn’t even know what to say. He asked if they were positive. I had to go talk to a Dr.
She was very kind and explained a few things to me. There were a couple of options. I could let everything happen naturally which could take…one week…two weeks…no one knows. But it would be really heavy bleeding.
The other option was D & C. The disadvantage to that is it is a medical procedure involving general anesthesia. The positive side is that it is done after that.
I wanted closure as quickly as possible. She told me it would be scheduled as early as the next morning. I said yes.
I left there, after reassuring the Dr. I was okay to drive.
I called my twin. She left work immediately. I called Paul again. I called my best friend.
And I cried.
I spent most of the day crying. Wondering what I had done. Going over in my head what the Dr. had said about it not being my fault. Making mental notes of things I still had to do. Wondering if the D & C would hurt. Wondering if Paul and I will try again.
I don’t have answers for most of what was running through my mind.
Yesterday morning, I had planned on getting up kind of last minute since I wasn’t able to eat after midnight. My twin came in my house and up to my room and woke me, “Debbie. Wake up. You’re going to be late.” CRAP. It was 6:20AM. I had to leave my house by 6:45AM to get to the surgery center when I needed to. Paul still wasn’t home. He would meet me at the surgery center. So I drove by myself.
It was a quiet drive. I didn’t speed once. I wasn’t in a hurry. I was talking…to myself, to God. Wondering again the same things I had wondered about the day before.
I got there and Paul came right up to me and gave me a hug.
We got inside the surgery center. Got signed in. I thought they had written cerclage on the orders. I had to read it to make sure. Suction dilation and curettage. I started crying. Not loud. Just the silent tears rolling down my face.
We got back to pre-op and got everything signed and prepped. I was still just crying. Again…just the silent tears of grief.
Once we got back to the OR, one nurse was holding an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. Another nurse saw my tears and got a tissue and wiped up my face.
That was all I remember until the recovery room.
I spent most of the day in bed. Crying by myself.
I know everything happens for a reason. I know that the last time I miscarried, I got Sage after that. I know God has a plan. It doesn’t mean the plan doesn’t hurt at this moment.
Physically the pain is minimal. Cramping. Sore throat from the tube during anesthesia.
Emotionally? A piece of my heart is missing.
I will be okay.
This will always be a pain in my heart.
But I will be okay.