The night before my surgery, I told Paul that I was not afraid of the surgery. I was afraid of the finding the heartbeat.
No, really. That is what I was terrified of. What if they couldn’t find it?
We get to the surgery center at 11:15AM. Surgery was scheduled for 12:30 (originally scheduled for 1PM but they had an opening and asked me to be early). We get called back and I get changed into the lovely gown.
The nurse calls over for L&D to come and get fetal tones.
Here it comes…
The nurse from L&D is trying to find the heartbeat and the surgery nurse is trying to find a vein for my IV.
Neither are having luck.
I start to get nervous. And then I cry. Fifteen minutes of searching for the heartbeat and still nothing? She tells me not to worry. It happens all the time. She wants to call my Dr. So they do. She is coming right over with her Doppler to see if she can find it.
I am really scared.
Like, tears rolling down my cheeks with eyes closed praying.
Paul is telling me to calm down and everything is fine.
Here comes Dr. M. She looks.
She calls out that she wants to have L&D do a sono.
there it is.
A super fast little heartbeat.
Hiding so close to my spine (is what Dr. M said).
I was so relieved.
She calls out she found the heartbeat and to cancel the sono. We are all smiling.
Thank you God.
She steps out of my little curtained cubicle.
Another surgery nurse comes and tells me her name and she will be with me through the surgery.
Yet another nurse comes and tells me, “Hi. I’m __________. I’m the charge nurse. I understand you want to take the remains with you today?”
I. lost. it.
Paul looks at her in question wondering if this is a really bad joke.
“I’m in the wrong cubicle.”
I couldn’t stop crying. She caught me so off guard. She feels horrible. I mean…she has never done this. I tell her that it is okay. It’s been a rough morning. I JUST heard the baby’s heartbeat. I’m not mad. I’m just overwhelmed. etc.
She gets me a cool cloth to clean off my face.
You see…I was right across from the cubicle I was in when I had the D & C in December. I was seriously overwhelmed.
And then it hits me.
The people near me, someone must be there to have that same horrible procedure done that I had in December. My heart aches for them. They had to listen to one nurse look for my baby’s heartbeat. And then they had to listen as my Dr. did find my baby’s heartbeat. I have been on that side of the curtain. It hurts. Not physically. The other kind. The kind that you think you may not recover from.
My Dr. and I had discussed either the spinal or general anesthesia. I tell her that I am glad we are doing the general. I can’t take anymore for the day. I am exhausted. Again…not physically. Emotionally.
They wheel me back to the colder than cold operating room. Get me warm blankets. I kind of hop my booty from my wheeled bed to the table. One nurse kind of laughs that it’s nice to have a patient that is able to do this. I kind of grin. And then…the oxygen mask goes on. I hear the anesthesiologist tell me the medicine is going in and it may burn.
They are not joking. I feel like the veins in that arm were on fire.
And that’s it.
I wake up with some gentle words from the nurse. Everything is fine. I get water and crackers. I get to get up. I’m moving faster than she thought I would.
Here comes the other part of the surgery I was scared for.
They need the fetal tones again.
The nurse says, “Okay. Your Dr. wants you to go straight to her office.”
So Paul and I head over. It’s only a parking lot away.
Paul tells me that Dr. M pulled him into a consultation room after the surgery. Which she has never done. She feels awful about the nurse and that it was a lot for me to handle with having such a hard time finding the baby, etc. She tells him everything went fine though.
We get to the office and I tell the front desk that the nurses at surgery told me to come over here. She tells me yep. Dr. M had just called them and told them that.
I sit down. Still have no idea what is going.
My name gets called. It’s the sonographer. ..and Dr. M.
To not stress me out any more than already, a quick scan to check on everything.
And then I hear and see this:
My baby. Wiggling around. Sucking it’s thumb.
And a strong heartbeat.